cooper flagg to retire from basketball after being bestowed 56th terrible nickname in a row

DURHAM— Shockwaves reverberating throughout the entire basketball world as the projected #1 overall pick has called it quits.

“I can’t do it anymore. If i hear one more Maine pun I’m going to check myself into a mental institution.”

Flagg made the decision public in a press conference early Wednesday morning, where he announced that he will commit to attending Duke University full time as a student only and will pursue nursing. For many, the call to quit the game of basketball entirely was about as out-of-left field as it gets in the sports world. However, Duke Head Coach Jon Scheyer explained why he felt otherwise:

“I had a gnawing feeling [in the back of my head] that it was only a matter of time. The kids these days, their access to online trolls and the internet and stuff, it’s relentless.”

“I’ve heard some god awful ones, too.” Said Blue Devil teammate Kon Knueppel.

“The Maine Event, Whitewater Rafter, Flagg Day, The Cooper Scooper, Coopture the Flagg, Half Mast, Full Mast, Chicken Coop, The White Barrack Obama, The Castle Rock Kid, The Fourth Plumlee, Basketball’s Edward Snowden, I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-Not-Balkan, The White Spangled Banner, Durham McLovin…I would retire too.”