Oregon unveils new home court designed to paralyze viewers on sight

EUGENE—

“F*ck you.” quipped university of Oregon Director of Athletics Rob Mullens.

“You don’t like our re-design? You didn’t like the hideous brown one with the trees either? Two words for ya, pal.”

Those were the words a frustrated Rob Mullens chose for reporters Friday morning as the Ducks set out to unveil their latest court design…which may also end up being their latest weapon.

“It’s designed to kill anyone that looks at it too long” Said Mullens smugly.

“Had the eggheads at Berkeley cook this one up. You know, before we stabbed them and the rest of the Pac12 in the back.”

While it’s unclear at this time if this new design is legal in the eyes of the NCAA, one thing remains certain: it is undoubtedly a formidable opponent for the eyes of the innocent.

Oregon looks to keep it rolling in the newest iteration of the Big Ten Conference.