Rick Pitino accepts invitation to visit Russian capital of Moscow, denies having nostalgia for USSR

MOSCOW— After a tumultuous first season as head coach of the St. John’s Red Storm in Queens, Head Coach Rick Pitino decided to accept an invitation from the Kremlin to visit the capital of the Russian Federation last Tuesday. His visit consisted of drinking vodka, attending a balet, and feeding Mike Repole to the “bears that roll on logs floating in water” at the First People’s National Zoo of Russia. His visit, however, was not without its detractors- many St. Johns fans took issue with the visit, citing that Pitino’s attempt to relive the prime of his coaching career (the height of the USSR under Gorbachev) shows up the Johnnies, and diverts attentions away from a program still looking for its first NCAA Tournament win in over 20 years.

“Mr. Pitino has no comment about zat.” said a scary looking man with a buzz cut wearing no shirt.

But The Observer was able to reach Pitino, who denied having nostalgia for the former nation and her satellite states.

“I’m just here to see old friends.” said Pitino, smiling and laughing in front of several KGB officers.

“It’s no Lexington, that’s for sure.”